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- I'm in the Netherlands at the moment, spending the last of my summer holidays. Den Haag is a beautiful city.
- I had a lovely summer with Orpheus, I feel several years younger and seriously in love.
- I spent some time with my Dad, he feels and is better.
- My mom didn't annoy me much!
- I'm returning in Derby on the 20th of this month [this is in less than ten days].
- I really hope to have a good third year in uni, my second year was crap compared to the first year - but there were reasons, lots of personal and family reasons.
- I hope I passed all my modules, I can't log in the UDO site for some weird reason, and I know that my password is correct.
That will be all. :)
I'll be writing regularly after I return in Derby.
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[I missed our conversations, you know...]Scent of the moment::  Very happy. :) Sounds of my heart:: Johann Jakob Forberger entered the Pantheon. |
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*kiss on the belly --- "Let's have sex"
*Kiss on the forehead --- "Forever you will be mine"
*Kiss on the ear --- "I'm horny"
*Kiss on the cheek --- "We're friends"
*Kiss on the hand --- "I adore you"
*Kiss on the neck --- "We belong together"
*Kiss on the shoulder ---"I want you"
*Kiss on the lips --- "I love you" OR "I want you"
*Holding hands --- "We can learn to love each other"
*A wink --- "Let's get it on"
*Slap on the ass --- "That's mine"
*Playing with the ear --- "I can't live without you"
*Holding on tight --- "Don't let go"
*Looking into each other's eyes --- "Don't let go"
*Playing with hair on head --- "Tell me you love me"
*Arms around the waist --- "I love you too much to let go"
*Laughing while Kissing --- "I am completely comfortable with you"
*Dont ask for a kiss, take one.
*If you were thinking about someone while reading this,
you're definitely in love (or strong like).
If you REALLY LIKE OR LOVE someone right now
and MISS THEM and can't get them out of your head
then re-post this within one minute and whoever you are missing will surprise you tomorrow.
Repost this as
what a kiss means.
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Some silliness. Romeo pasted this in my msn, and I thought of posting it here.
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Yes, indeed, I am alive; and silly, as you can very well see. *giggles*Sounds of my heart:: Henry Purcell - Hail Bright Cecilia - (Philippe Herreweghe) |
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It's funny how one can smile while having no hope or certainty whatsoever. Anyway, I always 'hated' statistics, when it comes to human behaviour - probably out of fear that they might be right. This is not a whiny journal entry, mind you; it's exactly the opposite. One cannot exactly lose in life. We have nothing when we arrive, so anything we achieve, is... an achievement, and everything we do not achieve, is no achievement. Loss is relative, arbitrary - everything is.
The sun is out, at last. I'm drinking my lovely cup of tea, I look out of the window and I smile, indeed. I remember this feeling, I felt it years ago. It's the knowledge that no matter what happens between yourself and other people, no matter the love, the pain, the attachment, in the end, you have to live with yourself; you have to do more than tolerate yourself, you have to actually like yourself. You should be able to bear the weight of your choises and mistakes, to make do with what you have, to smile again.
We are the music makers, the dreamers of dreams, you know how it goes. We are the ones who stick out their tongue at entropy, aren't we? We are life. Dancing, singing life, smiling while walking towards its end. We are a wonderful paradox! When I look at things this way, I like us, humans. I even like me, the hopeless dreamer who - how bizarre - manages to find a weird kind of happiness through pure reasoning... It's nice to be able to surprise yourself.
Look at us, knowing that we are mortal, some of us knowing that they have just months ahead of them [not me, thank God], afraid, probably even alone - but smiling. We are a brave bunch of cells and stardust, indeed.
Good day.Scent of the moment:: Today, I smile. Sounds of my heart:: Thomas Tallis - Spem in Alium |
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11-03-2006
One more of wicked entropy's blows... I pray for it to stop; enough, I had enough. I want my light back.
I received some awful news today, you have probably already guessed their nature due to the title. This poem is dedicated to Panos, wherever he might be. I met him first in-game, in-character, and then in 'real-life' - in the exact same way that I met all the rest of this roleplaying party. We spend a year together as friends, roleplaying and hanging out almost every day, in Serres, he was a player in the best non-solo chronicle of my life, he played my sheriff, his name was Sir Bruce McLeod. Serres is a city in Greece, I lived happily with Romeo there, it was the happiest year of my adult life - Romeo was the storyteller of this chronicle. I still find these news hard to believe. He left us the second day of this year. All these probably sound stupid, or cheesy, but I have no other words, the few words I managed to gather escaped my head in this poem. He suffered of megalocardia - neither him nor his parents knew, his heart just stopped, how ironic, he did have a "big heart" (we use this expression in Greek to describe a kind hearted person), and he was one of the most lively, innocent men - boys- I have ever met. He was younger than I am. May he rest in peace.
Greek speakers, you could spend a moment reading the poem I composed when I learnt about this:
http://www.deviantart.com/view/30179100/
15-03-2006
I have a fever. Other than that, I feel slightly better. I am stubborn, I won't go down like this. Things will change, I will have them changed. If it's not all right, it's not the end yet. In the end, everything is all right. I meditate on hope.Scent of the moment::  Exhausted. Sounds of my heart:: G. F. Haendel - Semele (J. E. Gardiner) |
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Hope
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Mar. 10th, 2006 @ 08:32 pm
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If only I was omnipresent...
If only no one was hurt by my feelings and my decisions.
I am sorry, but I did not create this world, I did not create entropy. On the contrary, I spend my whole life sticking my tongue out at it!
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I feel too much for my body to contain it. It keeps betraying me, cold after cold; will the intensity of my life cost me my singing voice, I wonder - and I hope not. Months have passed, I am slowly learning how to ease my guilts - guilt was a new feeling for me since before all these. It still hurts, though, and it will continue to do so for a long, long time. Don't get me wrong, this is not a pessimistic me. In fact, this is a very optimistic me. I have the solid, firm belief that I will come out of the tunnel and under the light, when the time comes.
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My studies suffer from my choises, my problems and of course from my character, my personality - the reason behind this all. I just hope to pass this year, to find the strength to do it. My father is not well, and he keeps trying to hide it, he cannot support me financially as he did before, and he mumbles about 'applying for a loan - securing my studies for when he will be gone'. I would prefer him to be honest, we all know something is going on. He wants me to go to Cyprus, to visit him. He said the words 'I'm sorry', 'thank you' and 'I missed you'. Oh please... we all know.
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I have written a lot during this time, but it was mostly in Greek, if you exclude a few sonnets (yes, I'm experimenting with fixed styles from time to time, I prefer open poetry though). I will translate all of my poems, slowly.
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Happy thoughts:
- There is an angel on earth, a male angel, surprisingly, and he accepts my adoration gladly. He is not from our times; I got lucky with my time machine...
- There is more, after things have come to an end.
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[ h o p e ]Scent of the moment::  There is light in the distance Sounds of my heart:: Alfred Deller & The Deller Consort - Purcell - King Arthur |
| » Not dead yet. |
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I'm back in England. Still alive, still dreaming.
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It has been far too long... I am sorry. I did answer this email though. And I did wait for an answer, many an night.
Jan. 20th, 2006 @ 09:38 pm
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| » Some news of my life |
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It's been quite a long time. My life does not stay still, not even for a second. News? We are moving. Not somewhere far away, just two streets from here, but we are. Out landlord offers us a bigger room in a better house, with better flatmates. He wants to place us somewhere with students, because living with our current flatmates, that are labour workers from Poland and speak no English whatsoever, has been nothing else but hell. We cannot communicate with them, they won't clean, they won't stop smoking all around the place... Enough.
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I am stressed due to the process of moving. I know that the new place is just two streets from here, but the fact that we are moving remains, I need to pack everything again. Clothes, decoration, curtains, all the art prints on our walls... Some furniture, mirrors... Too much work if you combine it with a full time university course and a storm of a personal life, honestly.
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At least I am quite pleased with my latest poems (which are written in Greek, and it is a pity most of you cannot read them) and with my calligraphy. I have just finished writing a letter in a - rather sloppy - secretary hand (a form of blackletter). I don't mind the mistakes because it is an emotional letter, written straight onto the page, not something I had prepared and planned. My envelope is not good enough either, but it will do, for I sacrificed neatness for speed this time. Another time I will do better. My fingers still hurt. Two pages of calligraphy in a hand I have just now started studying can easily do that. It is to be expected.
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Guess what. Today I just forgot to go to uni... Where is my mind? Thankfully I did some work for electronic design when I realized it was too late to go. I think that the combination of music and letter writing, wrapped up in an emotional storm were neither good for my university studies, nor good for the letter itself, it owes many of its mistakes to that. *smiles* You know of course that it was very well worth it... I complain only because I am a moany, whiny little girl from time to time.
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Yesterday we saw Sense & Sensibility. I loved the movie. Everything was exactly as I expected it to be. The atmosphere, the feel of it... I adore Kate Winslet's acting, and... surprise, here comes professor Snape. *drools*
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I am buying Joey a flute. Well, half of it. He will pay for the other half. I have promised this present since I-don't-know-when. Now it's time, now that he moved into his own place.
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Today I will write my part of the presentation we have to do for Thursday. It cannot be delayed any longer. I wish I could concentrate, I wish I could work more, but my mind is gone with the fairies...
Oct. 11th, 2005 @ 03:10 pm
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| » The defender of forever |
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I will not get tired from holding your hand... I will not. Even when my words betray me, my soul does not. I will always be the defenfer of forever.
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Some days my eyes are a window to nowhere
- I fear for my soul...
There is no light to turn to, no shadow
no deep eyes to hypnotize me,
no fingers to enchant me with their fine melodies.
If I am to be a stubborn, strong-willed one,
let me set my mind to this:
I will always be the defender of forever...
Some days even my words betray me in their fluency
- Your voice is absent...
It is all covered in colourless mud,
all covered by the dull sound
of thousands of guilty people breathing on this earth.
If I am to be the ever romantic fool, the weaver,
let this my promise be:
I will always be the guardian of forever...
We see too much, we know too much of this world
- I never believed in that...
But, look, beauty is sold and bought,
love becomes the victim of repetition,
we bleed love every day, in our talk of silent things...
We bear the loss of our innosence, of our sighs
- I doubt the reasons are what we think them to be...
All this shine, a fake, polished nothingness,
all these faces that pursue our dreams,
we change the colour of this world by painting it granded.
I will always be the keeper of forever.
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Oct. 2nd, 2005 @ 09:24 pm
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| » Pathetic whining, self pity, etc etc. |
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My love for feelings, for love itself, is stronger than my love for my lovers, or so it seems. Why should I deserve gentle carresses from life? I deserve life's blows, that's for sure. I have been proven more of a thrill seeker that of a devotee. Do I truly love people, or is it all an elaborate masquerade, is it all a love for the precious feelings they wake inside me? It's all in our mind... I hunt for feelings. I hunt fot the moment of adoration. It fills me with light. To adore is to touch the light, the ever beautiful light... To be adored? Does it even touch me? It doesn't take place in my own heart...
Surely such a person is not destined to live happily ever after. Even my definition of happiness is that of a twisted fairytale. Was I ever innocent? Was I ever even young? I remember a time when I believed in 'for ever'. The tragic irony of all these is that even now, now that I know the cursed manual by heart, I catch myself flirting with eternity and promises. Not only flirting... uttering the words... Shedding tears for them... I fall in love forever it seems, each time, each time, then I kill love, or I let it die. Each time, each time... And time goes by...
We are all afraid of the end, it is death that moves us, and death that keeps us idle. It is death that I'm trying to scare away, oh yes, love and intensity make me feel immortal... Kneeling, being in awe of a human being, oh it feeds me with hope, this ridiculous hope that I can triumph over death, over time. Each time forever... *laughs bitterly* Who am I to be forever? Who am I to love forever? Who am I to know? I imagine, I polish imagination with extravagant thought webs, and I believe. I believe in my own creations, I believe, beautifully trapped in webs that are mine own. Faith though does falter sometimes... and this is one of those times. One of the times that my mind decides to be cruel, that all the paths are transparent. This is one of the times that all the world seems to be a composition of multiple voices, melodies, that echo in a strange void. A void that lets sound pass, strangely, though nobody is there to listen...
Sep. 27th, 2005 @ 08:48 pm
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| » Tomorrow... |
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...is the day that the new academic year begins. I wish for the best. I wish for the best results I can have without abandoning the rest of my life and interests.
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The house is slowly becoming a new place. I do wonder what kind of people will out new flatmates be. I don't want to have problems, not again. I am trying to get used to this place again. All this getting used to keeps me busy, I seem to have less time than usual. It will pass.
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I am trying to clean myself from all this rust. I haven't worked on almost anything visual all summer. I haven't written much, if you exclude the occasional poetry that is more of a need than actual writing effort. Yesterday I made a little something, and I do like it. Here, take a look:
Tears of flame, liquid fire, pure, echoes of a silenced voice begging for mercy, the one and only right of the defeated...
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The above piece is dedicated to Orpheus for he did inspire the words (again, above) that in their turn inspired the visual. If one understands the words, the image becomes special. It means a lot to me, it is one of my really concept based pieces.
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Hmmm... I feel less rusty now, to be honest. I will start working in other visuals this week. I want my first week in uni this year to dance in a fast rhythm and be creative, be it in uni work or my own art.
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We shot some photos today with R. and some of them turned out interesting. It was a victorian-like setting and concept. I even... embroidered for the sake of photography. I might post some of those shots tomorrow.
Sep. 26th, 2005 @ 02:08 am
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| » Promises, promises... |
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I keep forgetting the promise I have made to myself. I promised to care slightly more about myself than about the people I love. I keep forgetting that and it's not good for my soul, not good for my health either.
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I was wrong to think that everything would be working like a clock from now on. I am too optimistic, it seems. The days are full of such delight and such pain that even my mind is slowly been driven mad. Good for me that I regenerate somehow, strangely, every night, through sleep, good for me that most mornings find my soul clean and full of courage. Some of those new days though burn out so fast... so fast...
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Yesterday night was quite an experience. I don't remember many things being so strong in my havoc of a life. It is phenomenal, when one spellcaster meets another,when they are both determined to win... It is, well, you have to live it in order to know. Last night's defeat was one of those events that cannot be forgotten, one of those that I am sure that I will keep inside me, that I will treasure and cherish forever.
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This morning has given me a great deal of pain. Other people's pain is the most difficult to handle for me.
Sep. 21st, 2005 @ 10:51 am
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| » After quite an adventure... |
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...I can announce my return.
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I came back to find an empty of housemates house, the phone and internet were cut off, and we had to set up new accounts in R.'s name. I am quite sad about Bryn and Dave (our flatmates that left) not being here. The house seems empty. Rez, Bryn's cat, is also gone with him. No more white fluff around... I will miss them all.
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The change of weather from Greece to England has affected me badly. I have a sore throat once more, and a fever. After a summer of similar problems, I am afraid for my voice. Emotional instability, extensive crying and screaming, sore throat... oh well. I hope my voice is as much of a survivor as I am.
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We transformed our room into something definetely better and warmer. We bought a mirror, a chest, a lovely rug, some new pieces of furniture... It's so beautiful now... Ten times better than it was, indeed.
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I have fallen in love with calligraphy, among other things and people...
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I will be active from now on, in the forums and generally in all online places.
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The university will open in some days, a week or so.
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Well, that was all. More artistic and extensive writing in the days to come, when I feel better.
Sep. 20th, 2005 @ 10:33 am
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| » ... |
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Last days in Greece.
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Autumn is coming, at last. The wind smells of rain, no more heat, no more cruel sun.
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I won't say I did not miss England. I will say though that I will miss what I leave behind...
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I endure.
Sep. 4th, 2005 @ 10:54 am
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| » Gloria in excelsis Deo |
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Deep inside, where light has its nest
a thousand and one soul-flowers bloom
innumerable iridescent colours softly flicker
free wings give over themselves to the wind...
Gloria in excelsis Deo
Far away, in pale, almost faded horizons
the wings and a breath a journey home begin
feathers steal a chance to touch infinity
the sun rises, so much like a warm smile...
Gloria in excelsis Deo
Up, towards a full, silver, glowing moon
the mind is set, following its heart's desire
wishes, human voices like waves are rising
a bridge, a stairway between earth and the sky...
Gloria in excelsis Deo
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Written in Greek, in the train, yesterday late at night. The translation ruins it I believe. I will attempt a better one another time. Inspiration for this poem was music once again, J.S Bach's Die "Hohe Messe" in h-moll (BWV 232). The Gloria in Excelsis Deo part, obviously. It is as far as I remember my only poem that radiates such kind of feeling from the first line to the last one. Such... ascendance.
Click here for the original Greek version. If you know the language of course. *giggles*
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Those days will be quite busy. There isn't much time left for me in Greece, I return to England in September 13th. There are people I have to visit, relatives I have to see, things I want to do before I go.
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I was in Athens yesterday, yes I am... slightly insane. I went in the morning and left in the evening, thus I spent ten hours in trains during a day... But it was worth it. It was worth it! I would easily do more than that for what I felt, for what I lived... A taste of the skies.
Aug. 22nd, 2005 @ 01:21 pm
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| » Maybe |
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Maybe the greatest among us are those capable of forever
...without forgetting now.
Maybe the greatest among us are those who aim to the skies
...but keep their feet firmly on the ground.
Aug. 19th, 2005 @ 01:43 pm
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| » Darkness, silence, absence and the home of the gods... |
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There are two kinds of silence, as there are two kinds of darkness.
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Sometimes darkness falls and envelopes me, darkness keeps me safe, darkness feels warm, beautiful, and so does silence. All is calm... serene, familiar in a primal way. Stillness. An idle kind of existence. A steady pulse... In this pulse I trust.
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There are moments though when darkness and silence become my enemies. They become the rope that chokes on my throat, they become the invisible hand that muffles all my cries for help... All is too dark, too calm, too steady, all is lifeless. Fear comes, as primal as warmth could be. But warmth is not there, only terror. Those are the moments when darkness has its own will, when darkness leads the way and silence gives a hand... When the pulse becomes the sound of your - or my - impossible, when silence becomes your signature, when you become... your own absence, my pain.
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No, I am not sad. I just have a terrible, terrible, horrific headache.
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I saw my father today, and my half brother. We climbed up to the mountain of Olympus, you know, the home of the gods of the ancient greek pantheon... It was beautiful. I had been there before but I missed the view, all this oxygen, the trees, the majesty. Yes, the majesty, the purity, the essence. Nature.
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Terrible, terrible headache. Go away!
Aug. 18th, 2005 @ 06:20 pm
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| » Carpe Diem |
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My endless thinking of tomorrow, of the future, of what will happen stole away my ability to live for the day, to grasp the moment, to enjoy what life has to offer now. No more. I will have no more of this, I will enjoy what I have, my current fragments of happiness, of emotion, of intensity. We live now, I don't know if we live again, what do we do next... I hope many things but I don't know for certain, although I believe. We live now and today.
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My life has changed a lot lately. Some of my beliefs were shaken but I hold them tight. I remember; I asked for this storm. I recall; I wished for unlimited sources of my favourite wargame... I wished for endless thunders of feelings. There is no complaining for me, there is no asking for help, no whining. Things happen, or we make them happen. Either way, I live and I willingly pay the price. There is no joy without pain, there is no definition of light without darkness - and I am not the first to say that, for sure. Orphaned Land have said that in a far more beautiful way:
In us all there are two separate sides
That which is evil and that which is good
Some people live by one side and others by the second
Both of them have a little bit of the other
But it must remain clear that the two depend on each other
Remember, evil is a part of the good and not the opposite
There is no sadness without joy and there is no joy without pain
There is no holy without impure and there can be no blasphemy without
holyness,
Thus the two sides must live in harmony
Unbalanced forever the evil urge brought lots of pain
It is so hard to defeat it
The evil urge sometimes arrives with heavy boots
And sometimes in gentle cat's steps
And even through blessed deeds it can drive you into deeds of wrong
A here is the one which concurs his urge
And so we must wonder what shall be the faith of the man who destroys one
and embraces the other...
The storm still rages...
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We humans need desperately to give names to things, feelings, ideas. We are the godfathers of this universe, for all we know. Our system may be not perfect, but it works. Experiments though always advanced humanity, so here, this is my experiment. I will not give names for now, I will not try to use existing names for feelings and situations - not for the ones that seem complicated. Let them just be so I can be in peace. In whatever peace could mean for a thrill seeker, a sense addict even. No names, no tragedy - at least not without art as its product.
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Who am I lecturing now? I am sure you have already guessed. Me. I am writing so I can hear in my mind what I have to say. Sometimes my stubborn self pays not the attention I need...
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I explore, I search for the limits, I find the limits, I bend the limits to my will.
Aug. 16th, 2005 @ 12:22 pm
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| » Captain's Log |
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(I)
My lips are dry,
I feel as if I kissed a desert
- as if I kept taking sand in
with every breath...
Bitter is the taste
every time I try to wet them
- bitter is the taste of your impossible;
oh, fearful - am I not? - of the bitter end...
I stand.
Flickering inside you,
the flame, the trust, the glory, almost lost
- fighting inside you the void and the miracle;
join me, join me where music lies...
Trembling; the strength,
this almost now forgotten, the reason, the cause
- the explosion, us, the wor(l)ds in between;
oh, those between thought and feeling.
You know.
(II)
Many a soul
- yes a soul, I do possess one...
Many a soul I trust with this secret
- though it is not a common one
...it has a common source.
Somewhere close to us
- where other lights shine; it is enough...
Somewhere close to us
- he's thinking what she's thinking
...they are like us, but not.
I saw flowers, I did
- hidden behind your high walls...
I saw the lost clarity
- I turned them into glass you see
...oh and they will be shattered.
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I am back from Athens.
I am barely standing on my feet actually.
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I want your thoughts about good and evil. If you read me please give them to me. I have my own beliefs and I see the world through my own eyes but come on, sometimes we all tremble. I want your thoughts...
...and I hope that a specific person (that I haven't met in what they call real life) will forgive me for being absent. I do apologise. Can I claim weakness? No. But as I said we all tremble from time to time. Forgive me.
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I am tired now... I need to rest for a while, I will probably have a nice bath listening to music, I need to communicate with my soul, my beliefs, my essence.
Aug. 14th, 2005 @ 04:39 pm
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| » Athens, again. |
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Tomorrow I am travelling towards Athens, once more, reaching for my dreams, once more, risking my everything, once more. Oh, and I love it.
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There is a concert in Athens, a LotR concert, the whole soundtrack, duration: three lovely hours. I have expectations, great expectations... and hope. I am sure we will all love it.
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The hours slip through my fingers... This time though, time itself is on my side.
Aug. 8th, 2005 @ 07:54 pm
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| » Miracle |
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It is so beautiful, to look in one's eyes and see the miracle of creation...
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I want to know you, utterly, completely.
I want to dive into you every day...
I want to taste your soul, my love.
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This is the magic for which I can take any amount of pain.
Aug. 7th, 2005 @ 07:03 pm
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